Beautifully Insane

I’m not entirely sure why, but this is one of my favorite pictures of the weekend. The beach felt so secluded and it was just beautiful. I felt so far away from the rest of the world, and looking at it now, it was well worth the difficulty of driving in. It was somewhat of a struggle to find and then get to, but the view was magnificent.

The purpose of this trip was for my self-recovery, mostly. I needed to relieve myself of a lot of the stresses that have pinned me down over the years, especially the one the just passed. I can’t say that the trip was 100% successful, but it was a great trip, none-the-less. I didn’t quite relax and allow my thoughts to have the peace I had planned, but I was able to find some relaxation and peace in another sense. Now, I’ve only been back a day and a half, but I’m starting to sense the stressing tides making its way back to me and I’m afraid. I’m afraid because though I’ve had the strength to make it to where I am now, I may fall back into that very tired depression again that I would much rather just forget. But you see, I can’t just forget. It’s constantly this battle. For a moment I will be weak, such as right now maybe or tomorrow, but despite the way this post is starting to sound, I know how much stronger I am now than I ever was before this new year. I never had the childhood that others had. I had my moments, and I cherish them more than you can imagine. Those moments when I was able to be a kid and carefree are some of my most favorite memories. Sitting here, however, I know that isn’t the point for now. The purpose of this post is simply to lay it all out for myself. I am determined to make things right; to do things right. I am determined to succeed this semester, and from here on out.

The catch is, I still feel weighed down. There are way too many thoughts running through my mind and that alone is part of the reason why I hurt as much and as often as I do. But I can’t seem to stop the thinking, at least for more than just moments at a time. Right now, I’m not entirely sure where to begin. I’ll try for last night. It started off fine. I went to work, I went home, I took a nap, and then I went out for dinner with an old friend. She and I caught up and went to the store for a bit, and then I went home. Here’s the part that’s tricky. I went home to find myself walking into a dilemma. I’d rather not get into details because it’s about my family, but I was left feeling disappointed, which isn’t new, and just exhausted (also not new). I know that I will be having to bear with a lot more very soon with school starting next week. I’m not so much afraid of my schedule, but I am afraid of how I’m going to handle the stress of worrying about school and work, while still having to juggle my stresses at home. Not to mention, well..actually I just won’t mention. So last night, I took care of what I could and tried to sleep.

It’s so hard to really describe it all. I can’t fully explain myself, if mostly because I just don’t want to. I’m too tired to. More importantly, I have the handful of people who already know most of what it is and who I’m able to talk to personally as it is, therefore there’s no need to go into detail. I just want to give myself a little faith right now. I want to remind myself that I can and will get through all that I must. If only for those few moments on the beach. If only to relive moments like the one above. I am strong because He made me this way.

Today will be another rough day. Tomorrow as well. Thursday too. At least in part, but I have a wonderful family so I know it won’t be too rough. I’ve lost count already, of how many people I’ve lost in my family. I’ve lost count of how many of them I had seen become ill and then not too long after pass away. Tonight leaves me with so many thoughts mostly because my last memory of my lola Amor is of her in the convalescent home. A few months ago when we had visited her, she told us that my lolo (her niece’s husband/my immediate grandmother’s brother-in-law) would visit her everyday. She told us that he would come ‘downstairs’ and see her for a while, then go back ‘upstairs’. He passed away a few years ago. The convalescent home is one story. It hadn’t worried me then, and it doesn’t worry me now, that it had been this way. It was a bit random that THAT lolo was the one visiting her instead of my other lolo who also passed a few years ago. Thinking about it now, I really miss my Lolo Romy. I miss them all, but the reason I’m singling out my Lolo Romy (my immediate grandmother’s brother-in-law) is because in my room, I have a pillow that he and my Lola Norma (my immediate grandmother’s sister/his wife) had given me when I was very young. I think it was from the Philippines, and I was probably 4-5 years old. I remember it so well. Then I remember how sick he had gotten before he passed away from pancreas cancer. I remember the yellow, frail figure of my funny and charming lolo. I remember how sad it had been, and how sad it is now. It isn’t all just sadness in my heart, though. I am happy. I have a great family, most likely reuniting in Heaven as I type this out. I know that they no longer feel pain. I know that they are bound to better now. So I can’t be too sad. I won’t be too sad.

This picture. It is calming and serene. It reminds me of how much more there is out there, and I am just. I am as much as a speck of sand.

Through it all, I am His and I pray for enough. My thoughts are very scrambled right now, but for hope and faith, I’ll keep doing my best.